I'm looking a little different these days.

Mostly because I shaved my head.

And, for some reason, the baldness of my head has caused a revolution in my heart.

It has been almost two weeks since my good friend shaved it off...and new worlds have taken residence on the inside of me. This is an excerpt from my journal after I did it...

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I feel more alive than I have in a long time.

And it’s because I died this weekend.

I’ve wondered what really lingers underneath the surface…

And sometimes, I think that something drastic is required to detect the actual content of the heart.

So I shaved my head.

It was glorious and threatening and painful and liberating all at the same time.

I felt a heavy weight on my heart before I acknowledge the reality of His call to this…

And no one will ever know the sweetness between Him and I in that moment.

How He met me.

How He called me.

How He wanted ME for Himself [more than the shallow crooning that some call love].

Because He is someone worth giving myself away for. Someone worth dying for.

And He thought the same of me.

Jesus.

Jesus.

Jesus.

Alone in my bedroom with no pretenses. IloveYouIloveYouIloveYou. This is the rhythm to which my heart has begun to beat.

What will people think? What will they say? How will I respond? Does it matter?

DownDownDown with the things that are fading. The face and body adorned with the outward, but shifting sands on the inside. [the props are being knocked out. No matter how it feels, I have to continue believing that it is MERCY.]

I want MORE. And the entrance into this is the exiting of myself.

So this very small taste that I’ve had of dying to myself; of denying my flesh has brought a whole new world of desire to my heart.

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I'm growing to love Jesus more than I ever have...and shame and fear are melting away as I continue to sit at His feet. Aah! He is so good. So kind. So everything that our hearts are hungry for. May He continue to knock out the "props"; the things [even legitimate things] that our hearts have run to for comfort and identity. Truly, truly, He will meet us in our weakness and awaken us in love...and condition our hearts for the shaking that is ahead. Blessings to you in the knowledge of Jesus!

And...here's a little picture with some like-hearted friends.  :)

Moments documented in photo. [documentation is a staple in my life these days.]

Just want to say that Tiffany Untch, Katie Hancock, and Anna Kim make my heart beat faster for the things that matter. Thanks, Girls.

Life lately looks like...

sweet. sweet. sweet.

My vocation in this season is to be a nanny. It is one of the coolest things I've done... [really funny things happen all the time...like the other day, I was in the grocery store with my little boy William, and he thought that the sweet little man in line behind us was a vampire and told him so. he's always trying to find the bad guys and save the world...it's great.]

Being a nanny, I work in a very affluent part of town. The nanny car I drive is a Benz...the house that I work in is enormous... and Holy Spirit has been speaking to me a lot about riches. Every day I rub shoulders with the wealthy...those who have worked hard and acquired much in the tangible, but it's a land of desolation where the matters of the heart are concerned. My heart has been challenged to decide what I actually believe to be wealth, and to run hard after getting it; becoming it.

I was reading about the Great White Throne Judgment before I came to work today [Revelation 20..you should check it out]...and it said that all the dead, both great and small, stood before the Lord [the playing field is level now. all of humanity before God with no titles or statuses to define them. just people before Jesus.]...and the books were pulled out. THE books. The ones that recorded all that we'd done. And THE book...the Lamb's book. And in one pivotal moment, wisdom and folly is demonstrated. True riches are defined. And our definition of wealth suddenly means much, much more than it ever did on earth...

I am embracing God's definitions of Wisdom and Folly. What He says matters does. What He says doesn't, really doesn't. Give me power on the inside, Abba.

This has been a painful, turbulent season. And God has been so near to me. I think I'm getting new eyes. Ones that see. And I think I'm in the midst of a heart transplant...    [come, reality, come.]

I love God. I love Him. I love His Son, Jesus. I do. I adore Holy Spirit.

Truly, the nearness of God is my good.

The Big Picture is beginning to grip my heart. I'm slow to learn; slow to understand...  but He is doing what He said He would do in me...  and I find that it really has nothing to do with what I can do or how faithful my heart is; but everything to do with HIS faithfulness to me and HIS love pursuing me... and Him teaching me to respond.

I am a broken woman. More broken than I've thought... And God is healing my heart. I'm learning to really appreciate this revelation that I've been getting of my utter dysfunction...  and His perfect capability. It's a raw, real place to be. GOD is everything I need!

Friends of mine, it would be so nice to speak to you...to hear your voice, to hear your stories about life now, to maybe drink a little cup of something warm and share in life together. Maybe soon... anyone from Teen Mania going to Alumni weekend?

                                                                                      ...By the way, I jumped on the Facebook train.